FUCK Search Engine Optimization

If I never see another SEO (Search Engine Optimization) how-to site, it won't be soon enough. I'm sick of stumbling these pages. No one wants to hear you complain/brag about your Google pagerank, and no one cares what kind of sleazy, underhand techniques you used to get there. Remember, if I ever see "SEO" again, you'll get a crowbar to the head.

iDiot

Stop asking me how many songs an iPod can hold. It depends on many different factors. That's like asking someone how many rocks they can fit in their stomach. And I suggest anyone who asks me how many songs their iPod can hold should see how many rocks they can fit in their stomaches.

Lolrus

Will that walrus ever find his bucket?

If I Called the Shots

You know, I was thinking. A lot of things piss me off. I mean a lot. Every day, a little more of my faith in humanity is lost. You want to fuck with these people so bad, but since they're assholes, they'll probably sue you. So what can one do? Well, since we apparently still live in a democratic society, I urge you to write to your respective congressmen to consider the following laws.

* The Crowbar Statute
You know that asshole that just parked his Hummer in four different parking spots? This law would allow you to take a crowbar and smash the shit out of his 8 MPG power trip. Also, you can soot out the tires.

* Obnoxious Fat Women Law
This law would allow you to- yep, you guessed it- beat the shit out of those obnoxious fat girls with a fucking crowbar. Is anyone else sick of sitting at Sheetz at midnight and having to watch some loud, fat girl, who is wearing a fucking mid-drift for Christ's sake, come out complaining about her food.

* The Annoying Drummer Decision
Those people who just have to drum all the frigging time? A swift kick to the throat. Also, you can break their wrists.

* The Fast Food Edict
Tired of those pricks in the McDonalds' who complain that their food isn't just right? I know how it is, I used to work in Wendy's back in the day. Well, if this bill is passed in congress, the next time you encounter this situation, you would be legally fucking obligated to give the guy a swirly in the deep-fryer. Just send out one or two employees, because the guy is probably some fat-ass, business cocksucker with stubby little fingers, and have them drag him into the back and stick his fucking neck-less head into the boiling oil. Dip it up and down a few times. Then ask him if his food is OK.

* Runners' Rights
Ever been on a run and some cunt yells something at you from his car? This especially pisses me off if it's some fat cunt yelling from her SUV for you to "get off the road". This would guarantee all runners the right to rip this schmuck out of his car, throw him to the ground, and curb-stomp the shit out of him.

* Narcissus Directive
Aren't you tired of these idiots walking out of a tanning salon complaining that they got burned? Or that they've developed melanoma? Next time someone says "Oh, how I wish I was tan.", you would legally be allowed to lock this fuckbag in a tanning bed for eight hours. Then we'll see who wants to go tanning, motherfucker.

* The Emo Principle
Anyone who wants to be emo, or claims to be so will be taken out back, tied to a chair, and kicked in the head by a horse. Plain and simple. You want to be miserable all the time? I'll give you something to be fucking miserable about.

A Paradox

Q: What is the only thing a woman can say that will make a man feel both happy and sad at the same time?

A: "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."

An Open Letter to the NCAA

To whom it may concern:

Honestly, if you want to make the world a better place, make ultimate frisbee an official NCAA sport. I am at a time right now where I have to make a decision about where I want to go with my life. I am also an athlete. Sure, I run cross country and track, but I also play one of the most intense sports that has been sweeping the nation, albeit under the radar: ultimate frisbee. It truly is the sport of sports. Many of the colleges and universities that I visited this summer offered ultimate frisbee as a club sport. That's a start, but how long before we get to see Frisbee Madness? It can't be soon enough. This past year my school managed to whip up a little after-school, intermural frisbee club. I have asked around and learned that a few other schools in my area do the same. I am working on getting a game going against other schools.

But representing my college- and the NCAA- on a field with a disc would be infinitely more exhilarating. The thrill that comes with playing any sport- the thrill of competition- is unlike any other feeling in the world. The NCAA gives us an amazing opportunity to partake in that as student-athletes. In my mind there would be nothing more thrilling than to toss the old disc around on a collegiate level.

Sadly, there is little hope that this will happen when I am eligible. So I ask, nay, implore you to bring this wonderful idea into existence, if not for me than for future student-athletes of America. So what do you say? Give frisbee a chance.

Why the Sun Sets

If you ever took an American literature course in grade school, and you probably have, then you will be familiar with the units about America's cultural heritage. You know, those Native American legends that describe natural phenomena in the ancient natives' terms of thinking? Well I wrote my own. It's actually a double whammy, because the whole legend is Why the Sun Sets (Or- Why There Are Eclipses) / Where the Morning Dew Comes From. Here goes:

One night Papa Sun took his viagra and was feeling pretty horny. He noticed Mama Moon bent way over sweepin' under the table. Well Papa got way behind her and took her anal virginity. That's why the sun goes away at night and you can only see the moon (or why there are eclipses; you make the call). Mama Moon wept. She cried to hard the ground was covered with her tears. That's where the morning dew comes from.